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| Every cloud (Belfast): I just had to pull over my car to take this picture on my phone. It was so much more beautiful in the moment and it was shining directly onto the hill where I live. |
It's been a while and my only excuse is procrastination. When I lived at home, my bedroom was never tidier than when I had exams to study for. Suddenly the need to reorganise every drawer and box was very urgent and pressing. Well, it's been a bit like that lately. My house is by no means clean and tidy but it's looking a hell of a lot better than its usual standards. Unfortunately, I'm the kind of person who'll spend an hour moving all my cups from one kitchen cupboard to another because that seems necessary when behind me there are piles up to my waist of laundry that need to be tended to and junk that needs sent to a charity shop. Ah well. On the bright side, I've had a bit more energy to procrastinate with lately, so I guess one might forgive me for making the most of being able to stand without feeling like I'm going to collapse.
In order to get myself to blog, I told myself it didn't need to be one that described the things I have been trying to avoid, but in short, I think I told you about them in the last post so suffice to say I am not any further forward with tackling those things. I guess in a way, I don't want to set myself back again by introducing changes that are potentially stressful, even though I know that in the long run I'll have more peace of mind if I deal with them.
I will need to stop procrastinating eventually. I still suffer from nightmares and when I get into bed at night I struggle to keep the thoughts at bay... the one's I'm trying to avoid. They are all just sitting there waiting for me to finish my time out. I wonder if some people go through their entire lives avoiding the real issues by keeping busy in whatever way: working, cleaning, sports, running, going out...
I'm still off work on sick leave. I have now been off for seven weeks, would you believe? My sick line is up tomorrow but I don't feel ready to go back yet. Things are by no means all better, even though there has been progress in the last few weeks. In a way, the 'progress' could simply be that now that I've had time to recover from the 'crisis' I went into in January, I simply have the energy back that would have previously been all used up by surviving the working day. The other explanation for the 'progress' could be that it isn't actually progress but just an emotional numbness which has been the result of avoiding thinking about anything other than superficial things like what room in my house I'm going to attempt to clean next. Or maybe the antidepressant I started is helping? I hope so.
Anyway, I want to make sure I'm ready before I go back to work.
Things have settled down over the past three weeks in my psychology sessions too after the unbelievable dramas that took place, thank goodness. I was happy enough to put everything that happened behind me after I had said what I had to say to my new psychologist and it seems that she has taken it on board and decided not to make outward judgements. She's also stopped interrupting me. She was good like that when I first started seeing her and then it all went pear shaped. Now that she seems to be back to her 'old self', I can work with that. I just hope she is going to stay this way now and not go crazy on me again. I doubt if I'll really learn to trust her, but in a way I think the negative experience I had with new psychologist has helped me, because it means I might not feel so bad when she stops working with me after T comes back. I'm not exactly sure why it might help at the moment, but somehow it just makes things easier.
It was also a huge thing for me to stand up to someone like NP and say clearly and assertively how I felt I had been wronged. Confrontation and assertiveness are not my strengths and this was a challenge. I feel like it was an achievement for me to speak out and not just try to pretend nothing happened and I'm proud of myself for doing that.
I still miss T, but I'm glad I miss her.
