Thursday, 8 March 2012

Time Out

Every cloud (Belfast): I just had to pull over my car to take this picture on my phone. It was so much more beautiful in the moment and it was shining directly onto the hill where I live.
Hi peeps! I'm still alive and I am going to write a blog post if it kills me!

It's been a while and my only excuse is procrastination. When I lived at home, my bedroom was never tidier than when I had exams to study for. Suddenly the need to reorganise every drawer and box was very urgent and pressing. Well, it's been a bit like that lately. My house is by no means clean and tidy but it's looking a hell of a lot better than its usual standards. Unfortunately, I'm the kind of person who'll spend an hour moving all my cups from one kitchen cupboard to another because that seems necessary when behind me there are piles up to my waist of laundry that need to be tended to and junk that needs sent to a charity shop. Ah well. On the bright side, I've had a bit more energy to procrastinate with lately, so I guess one might forgive me for making the most of being able to stand without feeling like I'm going to collapse.

In order to get myself to blog, I told myself it didn't need to be one that described the things I have been trying to avoid, but in short, I think I told you about them in the last post so suffice to say I am not any further forward with tackling those things. I guess in a way, I don't want to set myself back again by introducing changes that are potentially stressful, even though I know that in the long run I'll have more peace of mind if I deal with them.

I will need to stop procrastinating eventually. I still suffer from nightmares and when I get into bed at night I struggle to keep the thoughts at bay... the one's I'm trying to avoid. They are all just sitting there waiting for me to finish my time out. I wonder if some people go through their entire lives avoiding the real issues by keeping busy in whatever way: working, cleaning, sports, running, going out...

I'm still off work on sick leave. I have now been off for seven weeks, would you believe? My sick line is up tomorrow but I don't feel ready to go back yet. Things are by no means all better, even though there has been progress in the last few weeks. In a way, the 'progress' could simply be that now that I've had time to recover from the 'crisis' I went into in January, I simply have the energy back that would have previously been all used up by surviving the working day. The other explanation for the 'progress' could be that it isn't actually progress but just an emotional numbness which has been the result of avoiding thinking about anything other than superficial things like what room in my house I'm going to attempt to clean next. Or maybe the antidepressant I started is helping? I hope so.

Anyway, I want to make sure I'm ready before I go back to work.

Things have settled down over the past three weeks in my psychology sessions too after the unbelievable dramas that took place, thank goodness. I was happy enough to put everything that happened behind me after I had said what I had to say to my new psychologist and it seems that she has taken it on board and decided not to make outward judgements. She's also stopped interrupting me. She was good like that when I first started seeing her and then it all went pear shaped. Now that she seems to be back to her 'old self', I can work with that. I just hope she is going to stay this way now and not go crazy on me again. I doubt if I'll really learn to trust her, but in a way I think the negative experience I had with new psychologist has helped me, because it means I might not feel so bad when she stops working with me after T comes back. I'm not exactly sure why it might help at the moment, but somehow it just makes things easier.

It was also a huge thing for me to stand up to someone like NP and say clearly and assertively how I felt I had been wronged. Confrontation and assertiveness are not my strengths and this was a challenge. I feel like it was an achievement for me to speak out and not just try to pretend nothing happened and I'm proud of myself for doing that.

I still miss T, but I'm glad I miss her.


Ruth said...

Great to hear from you. Sounds like your time off to heal is doing what you planned. I smiled when you described moving cups while laundry needed doing. Here in the United States a book came out called SHE Side-track Home Executive. It was written for the thousands of women that face this challenge. FLYlady put her own spin to it and taught me that perfectionism is one of the things that drives me. I am super proud of you for working out a way to work with your new counselor. I so understand the feeling of still not quite trusting. One thing I thought of by standing up to her and telling her what you needed you changed the balance. Now you are directing what needs to be done in the sessions. The picture is beautiful. Thank you for sharing it.

Ellen said...

I love watching the sky also - it's like a little present from God each day, I sometimes think.

You know, you can blog about whatever you feel like. I just thought I'd give you permission. :-) You don't have to catch anyone up, or blog about things you're not keen to talk about. That would make the process very difficult.

My impression of NP is that she is not good in a crisis, to put it mildly. She remains the same person throughout of course - it is you who are presenting different things to her. I can't imagine having to see someone because they are assigned to you, so I won't say any more about that.

Glad you are feeling somewhat better, whatever the cause. Here rooting for you.

Candycan said...

Hi Ruth, I think perfectionism is behind it with me sometimes too. It's all or nothing with a perfectionist.
You're right, it did maybe change the balance. I think perhaps it might help her to realise I have a say too. There is a tendency here for health professionals to forget that the patient is supposed to be involved in decisions about their care too. I'm glad you like the picture. I'd love to have a nice camera and be able to take lovely pictures but for now, my phone and lack of skills have to do me!

Ellen, I like your thought about the sky. It's a positive way of thinking. Thanks for reminding me that I can blog about whatever I like. It's sometimes easy to forget that I started the blog so I could write and not worry about what others think.
I've been thinking a lot about what you said, about NP not being good in a crisis. I fear you may be right about this. Hopefully I won't have to find out for sure but it did seem that she panicked when things went bad for me. I wondered if she thought it was a reflection on her: that she had failed to keep me out of the crisis. Thanks for your support :)

Ruth said...

The same tendency exists here in the United States. Phone cameras are getting amazingly good and work great for the internet or computer viewing.