It's a crash

Dear world

I am still alive. I think I must be because the pain in my heart would suggest it hasn't died. My husband picked up some sleeping tablets from the doctor I spoke to yesterday and I took one last night. I slept for ten hours although I still feel knackered today and unfortunately, still in a dark, despairing, empty, alone place. It's a crash.

I lay on the sofa again this afternoon for some time while Adam tried to cheer me up by playing some jolly tunes on the piano. He said he wanted to go and play golf today with a friend. I really felt down when he said this. I don't want to be alone again after spending most of the day on my own yesterday. A small part of me felt sad that he couldn't understand how hard things are for me at the moment. I guess he's so used to seeing me with something or other wrong: if it's not feeling sick, or random body pains, it's exhausted or depressed; that he doesn't really distinguish the crisis I am having as different. But yet he does, because he keeps saying how worried he is and he rang my psychologist and he knows I wouldn't contact the out of hours GP if I felt it could wait until Monday. This is more than depressed. This is a crash.

If you read the comments section on yesterday's post you'll know already that I contacted the out of hours GP yesterday and he was very kind and tried to be understanding although didn't really understand at all. He gave me lots of useful advice like drink ten glasses of water per day and eat my five a day fruit and veg. I know when you're in the middle of a crisis, eating your five a day isn't the answer, but that's OK. It's still important sometimes to hear the basic advice. I know as well as anyone about the importance of these things but even I find myself sitting on the sofa at 7pm realising I haven't eaten or drank since I woke up that morning. So he had a point. It's just not going to solve my crisis and I wanted something much more immediate than lifestyle advice. He advised me to keep taking the diazepams which I had from my GP ages ago and hadn't found any use. He said to up the dose to three tablets as and when and he prescribed the aforementioned sleeping tablet, which after reading the side effects of, I wondered if was going to do me more harm than good taking it and went to sleep half expecting to wake up this morning in a psychotic state having lost my memory and end up running round aggressively attacking people with a bat.

After I while of being sprawled on the sofa today I asked Adam to ring the doctor again because I am sure diazepam doesn't help someone who is in the depths of despair. He did so and spoke with a doctor on my behalf. I could hear him talking about how I have DID and depression and I wondered if the GP would have a clue what DID was. I don't think I would have mentioned it myself. I could hear the GP asking Adam if I was having thoughts of self harm or suicide and Adam said he didn't think so. I suggested I speak to the doctor and we chatted for about ten minutes. He was very friendly again, which again surprised me. I've only ever had to ring an out of hours GP once before and that was when I ran out of antidepressants just before a bank holiday weekend and wanted to get some more in case I would have withdrawal. The GP was so rude and patronising and gave me a stern lecture about being responsible for my own health. It was like a slap in the face for someone who, I think given my difficulties is doing a pretty good job at managing and being responsible all in all.

Anyway, this doctor seemed to be very understanding of the crisis I was having. He agreed that diazepam probably isn't going to help me much and that although he wished he could give me something to help me feel better through the weekend, that there really isn't any short term medication for the type of feelings I am having. He talked about how I had been in therapy for three years and that this must be very difficult and bring up a lot of things for me. He said he understood that sometimes things can become overwhelming and very intrusive and that an antidepressant would be something I should consider although it probably wouldn't help me today or tomorrow as it could take a few weeks to kick in. I expressed that I am worried about work because even this weekend there is a lot of work I need to do because of deadlines coming up and he said it was important not to think about these things but that my health is a priority. He's about the fourth person to say that to me in the last week. Even my own manager suggested that I need to put my health first and consider leaving work for a time. It's just not an option though. Adam is out of work and we have a mortgage to pay. I'm trapped. I can't really talk to Adam about this because he feels it's his fault for not being in a job. Sigh.

In the end we left it that if the thoughts were becoming very intrusive, I should contact them again. I'm OK with that. I know I'm not going to kill myself this weekend. I guess I just need to try and cope and do the things like drink water and eat fruit. 

Afterwards I asked Adam how the GP had reacted when he talked about DID and Adam said he seemed to have a good understanding of it which surprised and pleased me. I guess that's why he seemed to have quite a good insight into how I was feeling when I tried to explain that these crashes are usually short lived and most of the time I'm like 'a different person'. It felt really good to speak with someone who was caring and compassionate and not judgemental and ignorant. GPs can't be all bad.

The sun is shining here, for a change. My husband has realised I need him not to go out to play golf (I didn't want to say but I was hoping he wouldn't abandon me today so it's a relief) and instead we are going to walk up the hill behind my house and have bacon sandwiches by the lake in the meadow. You wouldn't think I live in the capital city! I just need to muster up some energy to get out of my pyjamas into some clothes which seems like a simple enough task but feels mammoth.

I'm supposed to be going out for dinner with Adam, my sister Katie and her husband tonight. I know it's probably good if I do get out and could help me feel better, but between you and me, the thought of having to take a shower and find some clothes to wear is overwhelming me!

Thank you for the encouraging comments on the last post. It really does help to hear from others who know what it's like. I feel for anyone who goes through life feeling the way I am this weekend.