Wednesday, 7 November 2012

I am here and you are here and we are here and we are altogether... or are we?

I haven't been blogging much this year at all have I? I'm really not sure why that is because I really enjoyed doing it. I think for the first half of the year it was probably difficult because I was going through a really tough time mentally and sometimes when you're right in the middle of a trial it's hard to want to sit and reflect and think over things. For the second half of the year I've been so busy focusing on managing in my new job that I suppose in a way I have distanced myself from my internal goings on. Things are still going on but more separately from me. I am less in touch with alters than in the past, although they appear to be moving on ahead anyway. A few of them have met my T recently. That's progress. The problem now is that she wants it to be all planned out ie she wants to know who is going to talk to her on which week etc. This requires me to be able to discuss the plan with her which I feel incapable of doing as I feel I am as in the dark about what's going on in my head as she is (possibly more than she is). So recently my therapy sessions have felt rather frustrating as she waits for me to come up with a plan and I sit wondering why I am there in the first place because in my own head I feel completely singular. This often then turns to my being overwhelmed when she starts asking questions about the parts and I become less separate. I start to hear snippets and sense them stirring and become so anxious and then it's a struggle not to switch. It's difficult.

A few of my sessions recently were really, really hard. I can't exactly remember what happened but they involved a lot of dissociation and re-experiencing of painful things in a physical way. One week I was so dissociated and ill after the session that my T had to drive me home in her car. I felt mortified by this although have to admit the younger ones thought this was very exciting and were really happy to see a hand cream in her car that we gave her as a gift last year. In more recent weeks the sessions have been difficult because there has seemed to be a bit of tension between me and my beloved T which has been very difficult to cope with and has left me feeling I have lost my positive sense of security and attachment. I have sensed she is frustrated with me (I would be if I were her) and I have talked to her about this and she has refused to say anything about it really. Sigh.

I feel so detached from all of this while I'm writing it. I'm typing 'we' thinking there is no 'we' and what on earth am I thinking. It's hard when these periods of detachment and denial come round. It's hard to progress with therapy but I know that they happen to allow me to function in work. It will hopefully become a little bit easier this month because I should be getting a day off work each week in which I hope to attend my psychology sessions. Well that's the plan anyway. If it works out I might find it a bit easier to get connected to my internal system for the sessions.

In other news, my health issues are ongoing. I fear I may become an expert by experience in each field of NHS care. So far this year I have been seen by psychiatry, psychology, social work, haematology, hepatology, nephrology, urology, radiology, dermatology, gynaecology, general surgery, general medicine, psychiatry again and physiotherapy (two different departments of this for two different problems). I feel like I'm falling apart. I am literally falling apart actually as one of my physiotherapy referrals is because my bladder, cervix and bowel have fallen out of place and are heading down my vagina towards freedom. Thankfully it is mild at the moment (nothing's actually made it to freedom yet) but it causes a lot of problems and not to mention the psychological impact of having to deal with these issues. On the positive side of things, I feel I am hopefully getting closer to a diagnosis of something that's not Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (ie you're really tired but we don't know why) or fibromyalgia and at least I am getting seen to. I've worked in the NHS long enough to realise that not everyone is as lucky as I am when it comes to getting the treatments and investigations needed. Another positive is that my fatigue levels aren't as bad as they were this time last year or earlier in the year. I still don't know if it's because of being on an antidepressant or perhaps that I am getting treatment for the blood disorder or something else entirely but long may it last. This time last year I was dreading the prospect of a busy Christmas where now I am looking forward to the festivities and the hullabaloo of planning involved in them.

I hope you are keeping well in your own life. I haven't really been keeping up with blog reading very well lately. I just hope this is a phase that I will come through soon enough, but I do still think about the people who read my blog and leave messages and those of you whose blogs I have read myself and hope to catch up with too. Bye for now, C

10 comments:

Ruth said...

Involved at work and improving your health are both excellent things. I never could plan out one of the alters talking to my counselor. One of them never would except maybe once in 7 years. Another possibility is your system is changing with different ones at the front to deal with the work issues. Major shifts can occur without warning especially as you work on things. Hugs glad to know your are still in touch. Take care.
Ruth

B said...

I can understand being detached and feeling like there is no 'we'. Dissociative disorders are hard. *hugs*

Meghan Weikel said...

I like how you said that you lost your "positive sense of security and attachment." I've been feeling something similar with my therapist and haven't really been able to articulate. I keep telling her that I just don't feel as good with her like I used to, but it's that I lost that sense of security. I keep thinking she'll leave me and doesn't want me around, which I did before, but not to this intensity. I know my therapist has been frustrated lately too, but she'll admit it when she is, which is helpful. It's hard when you sense someone is having an emotion about something but they don't validate it for you by admitting it. Sometimes I wonder too if my perceptions are wrong, because I'll ask her if she's feeling something that I sense and she'll say no. So either I'm wrong in my hypervigilance or she's withholding because she thinks it's better for me to not know. Anyway, your post just made me think of these things. Keep posting and have a nice holiday.

Anonymous said...

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Literal Gemini said...

Hi, I found your blog on google. I am sorry you haven't written in a while. I just started my own blog about living with DID and I looked forward to reading other blogs as well. I hope to read more when you are up to writing.
Take Care

LiteralGemini.blogspot.com

velcronotstrings said...

Are you still blogging? Would love to know how your doing now. Holidays are over ...back to work!

Candycan said...

Hiya peeps, thanks for the comments. I will answer your question Velcro... with a blog post. Wish me luck!

Journo said...

Hi all,

I'm a freelance health and medical journalist and am looking for case studies - women with DID who wouldn't mind telling their story in a magazine.

I can promise that the story would be handled in an ethical way, and you would receive a small payment. In particular, Now magazine has approached me to write a first person piece as I have written about DID in the past.

If you are interested, please email me on mail(at)marysalmon.com.

The Bored Kitty said...

I just wanted to say I've been here randomly over the last year and have enjoyed my visit each time.

As a result, I just wanted to say that I hope you haven't given up on blogging completely.

Hope things are going well,
Kitty

Candycan said...

Thanks Kitty, that's really sweet of you to say. I haven't decided not to blog, I'm just finding it hard to do for some reason. I started writing a post recently which became my life story and I ran out of steam by the time I'd gotten to the teens because I'd rambled on so much! Felt bad to post half a life story! I am always intending to blog again so keep checking back! Thanks for reading:)