Excuse my language but... fuck this shit

Hi all. I'm going to jump right in and say that things are pretty shit and I'm definitely unravelling. I'm really missing T more than I've let myself acknowledge. I really like my new psychologist, don't get me wrong. She seems really great. The problem is that the fact that I like her is actually adding to my concerns. I'm going to have to go through this whole process of loss again in six months or so when T comes back. I don't know how I am going to do that. How am I going to do that? It's horrible. It's horrible! I'm already hating the transferance stuff that is starting to come up. Although granted, I never felt like that had died down or that I'd moved on from it with T but it's hard to suddenly have all these feelings about someone new. I also feel guilty about the fact that I really like new psychologist. I guess I had just thought it would be really hard with someone new and I'd be hating that they weren't T, but it hasn't been that way and I feel like I'm being disloyal to T in liking new psychologist. And at times I think that the most simple way of avoiding the whole loss of another person in six months is to just keep seeing this person. But how can I do that after being with T for three years? How could I just have her think I'd rather see someone else than her after all the help she's given me? And also, I know if I did make that decision I'd still have to deal with the knowledge that T is gone from my life forever. At least at the moment, my sense of loss is more of a 'missing' her than an absolute loss. I know she'll be back. This is all so fucked up.

I haven't written about how my session with new psychologist went last Thursday. It was fine. I might talk more about it later but we spent a good while talking about how weird it was seeing each other at the training. She also told me that she has organised to attend the second two days of the training on another date later in the year because she feels that would be easier. She said it was also more convenient for her because she has a lot on that week anyway and that that was the main reason she isn't going to go. You'd think I'd be relieved by that wouldn't you? In actual fact, I feel everything but relieved. I feel even more guilty now than I did when I felt like I was intruding and making her feel awkward by being at the training. I now feel like I am such an intrusion that I have caused someone to change their plans and not attend a course. I find it hard to believe that it's really more convenient for her not to go. I think she was just trying to make me feel better. I also feel a little bit angry too. Am I that bad that she couldn't stand to sit in the same room as me? I know I'm being irrational with this but I'm just being honest about everything that's going on in my head. I guess in a way, although it was really difficult and I would have been relieved if she hadn't turned up at the training last week, I think I'd got my head around it and felt much better on the second day. It was still awkward but OK and I'd just got my head around her being there and now I think her not being there is going to make me feel bad the whole day when I see her absence because I'll know that it's because of me. It's fucked up too.

My birthday was recently. I think this has only added to the internal pressure I've been feeling. I seem to find birthday's really hard going. I can't say I don't like my birthday because there is that childlike excitement about the celebration that may be more real for me than in some singular people. Yet at the same time they seem to stir up A LOT of other feelings. For one, I'm now another year older and this is a reminder that my life is going on and so much of me is still stuck in the past. I'm still struggling through so much shit and being affected by things that happened so long ago and I get angry about that. Another thing is my father. My FUCKING father! He doesn't normally contact me because he probably doesn't even know my birthday and I don't expect to hear from him anymore but it still hurts. This year he did contact me. Granted he probably only noticed because Facebook reminded him and it was just a facebook message, but it was a big surprise and part of me felt really pleased that he did. Yet although it hurts when he doesn't remember, it hurts when he does too. I'm now having all kinds of internal panicked conversations on the theme of "Does he want to build bridges and what does this mean?" That topic would need a few blog posts alone so I'm not going to delve into the feelings much but they are certainly mixed and I hope you don't think me cruel in saying this but my life would have been a lot simpler if my father had died fifteen years ago. Having him in my life is something I am more than ambivalent about. This is all fucked up too.

So the above things are all whizzing round my head, plus my impending new job and the stresses of my current job which are relentless, plus my ongoing health problems and a number of hospital appointments I have been attending and am due to attend.

And I haven't even told you about everything that went on today with Adam and my birthday presents and how we both ended up crying (and Adam cries on average once every few years... even less than I) and how I am scared that my cutting and purging is getting worse and the meltdown I had in the middle of the shopping centre the other day and the other stuff.

I'm feeling scared and alone. I miss T and I need help and support. I texted new psychologist earlier to ask if she could see me earlier than Thursday but I don't think the text went through and I don't want to hassle her now. I just need to hold it together.