Tuesday, 21 September 2010

The first months of therapy

I was first referred to a clinical psychologist for ongoing depression, which I have suffered from at various times in my life since the age of eleven years old. I went for an initial 'assessment' where the psychologist told me he would ask me questions to assess wether they would offer to help me or not.
This threw me into a panic as I was aware how relatively normal I seem, and thought that he would refuse to help me due to there being so many people out there who were much more crazy. That didn't happen, however, I was offered to be seen for a period of about three months. At the time I thought this was how they do it in the NHS: allocate a certain number of slots to you and if you're not better by then, tough luck. I didn't find out until near the end of the three months that it was actually because the psychologist was moving away. I spent a large proportion of those months panicking because I was not seeing any progress in my levels of crazy. In fact, I was becoming even more depressed and not functioning well at all.
By the time he left I was not working and suffering from all kinds of dissociation symptoms and I felt an extreme sense of loss and abandonment after allowing myself to learn to trust someone having not done that much in my life.

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